i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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