I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
