I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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