so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
