Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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