I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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