i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
