it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He better not be in your backpack
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
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