guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
