you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
