The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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