When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
