My liver just broke up with me...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
