i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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