ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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