U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
