his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
