Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
