My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
