I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
