Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
