He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
