Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
