she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't want my vagina anymore.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
