I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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