Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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