I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Found the puke drawer
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
