she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
