The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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