The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
