Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
