I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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