Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
