Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
