Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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