There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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