we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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