She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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