I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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