My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
