Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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