Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
