your parents love me but you hate me
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
