I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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