dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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