Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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