I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
