you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dicks are not precious.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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