I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
