in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
