Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
