The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
