I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she peed on how many people?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
